Words Have Meaning - Use Them Right

I have conversations with people of both genders all the time.


But the thing that bothers me, is when people of the opposite gender, say things that shouldn't be said, unless they are truly meant.


Here are some examples:

1. "Sure we are best friends" - this may be a wonderful thing to say to someone. However, if every time you try contacting them, you get no response. Or if you need someone to call and talk too about something, they never pick up. Then don't fake the friendship, because it is just wrong.
2. Terms of Endearment - Such as saying"Good night" vs. "Good night WM", the second is a more personal touch. And if you have a nickname, that is made up by that person, to sound more lovey-dovey, and you go with "Good night _____". But if you don't mean it, just go with "Good night", and keep it simple.
3. I love ____ - This is a common one. Don't use the word 'love' casually too often. It gets outplayed/overused, and loses meaning. Also don't say it to another person, and then fall into the category of #1.

All these things are mistakes that just leave the other person hurting, and why would you do that to someone you claim to be best friends with?

Healer, Heal Thyself

I'm lucky enough to have a very educated circle of friends, many of whom are practicing or pursuing specialized careers in providing for the well being of others.


Psychology seems to be an all-around favorite profession. For some reason it makes me proud to watch my friends and contemporaries become mental health counselors, social workers, psychologists and school psychologists. I imagine these curricula to be vast and hopefully taxing on the undertakers' critical reasoning skills.


Sometimes the reaction to all this material is to become alarmist and recognize yourself in the disorders, even though your tendencies are still within normal limits. Still at other times, you manage to completely miss the fact that you have intra/interpersonal issues that are quite obvious to even non-qualified people who know you. Or, you acknowledge your issues but fail to tackle them the same way that you would encourage your underlings to do.


It becomes unsettling to see said psychologist stamping their professional opinion on other people's behaviors when you experience firsthand how dysfunctionally they deal with you in a conflict. I know it's difficult to recognize your own faults, but your position becomes laughable to me if your techniques are not good enough to work on yourself. It makes me wonder why you went into the profession in the first place. Just like I doubt the abilities of the hairstylist whose hair is shapeless and highlights are in dire straits, I am doubting whether I would honestly feel confident in you managing my (theoretical) case or the case of anyone I care about. If you were anything but a hairstylist, your messy hair would go unnoticed, but in the role you chose that attribute is under scrutiny.


If you have a long-standing personality issue that needs to be fixed but cannot be changed easily, I suggest you stop procrastinating. Acknowledge, apologize, take responsibility for it and for heaven's sake get off your high horse. The accomplishments in your career do not cover up your personal shortcomings that your friends and family have to endure. It makes you look foolish.


It's instinctual to look for faults in those who put themselves out there as experts. As your friends, we know you are a normal person despite your intellectual authority, and we try not to hold you to a higher standard of mental integrity than a regular person. However when you fall below that bar even.... you fail. And some observations don't require your degree in order to be correct.

Female Masturbation in Halacha - Guest Post

This post was emailed to me by a female reader, and asked for a place to post it. I complied. Here it is in its entirety.
-WM

Disclaimer: This is NOT a definitive halachic analysis or a 'psak' that applies to all cases - this is a very sensitive issue and each person must speak to their own Rav if they require halachic guidance. This is only research, advice and guidance given by some Rabbis that I asked. Note that this issue is NOT black on white - it is a very gray area!

Female masturbation (FM) – is it halachically permitted? There was a recent article in the YU Beacon that says that FM is completely permitted, but that women feel negatively towards masturbation because of the Issur of Hashchatat Zera Levatala. It goes on to say that they shouldn't feel this way because the obligation does not apply to women and that women feel guilty about this for no reason.

Frankly I have difficulty believing that there’s absolutely NO problem whatsoever with female masturbation (FM from now on) so I decided to do a bit of research and ask a few Rabbis, and these are the issues I came across.

I'd like to split the topic up into three seperate issues:
1. The halachic issues surrounding the technical act FM and sexual fantasy
2. Hashkafic and ethical issues relating to this kind of behaviour
3. Advice and guidance


Part 1: Halachic Analysis of FM

Specific Prohibition
The severe halachic prohibition concerning masturbation is focused on the wasting of semen involved in male masturbation. The main discussion of this is in the Gemara on Niddah 13a. It's pretty clear from there that the wasting of semen is the principal problem and other issurim (or a man touching parts of the penis, even when just urinating) are introduced as a way to avoid behaviour which may lead to full male masturbation. It seems from this that the actual act of FM is not subject to a specific prohibition.

‫תלמוד בבלי מסכת נדה דף יג עמוד א‬

דא"ר יוחנן: כל המוציא שכבת זרע לבטלה חייב מיתה

The act of male masturbation to the point of ejaculation is clearly prohibited and brought in halacha - see Rambam Issurei Biah 21:18 and Shulchan Aruch Even Haezer Siman 23. Again - no mention of women.

‫רמב"ם הלכות איסורי ביאה פרק כא הלכה יח‬

‫אסור להוציא שכבת זרע לבטלה, לפיכך לא יהיה אדם דש מבפנים וזורה מבחוץ, ולא ישא קטנהשאינה ראויה לילד, אבל אלו שמנאפין ביד ומוציאין שכבת זרע לא די להם שאיסור גדול הוא אלאשהעושה זה בנדוי הוא יושב ועליהם נאמר ידיכם דמים מלאו וכאילו הרג הנפש‬

‫שולחן ערוך אבן העזר הלכות אישות סימן כג‬

‫איסור הוצאת זרע לבטלה ודברים המביאים לכך, ובו ז' סעיפים‬

‫סעיף א‬

‫א (א) א] אסור להוציא שכבת זרע לבטלה ועון זה חמור מכל עבירות שבתורה. ב] לפיכך לא יהיהאדם דש מבפנים וזורה מבחוץ, ב (ב) ג] ולא ישא קטנה שאינה ראויה לילד‬

Ta'ava
There is a reference in the sugya there to the severity of a man causing himself purposefuly to have an erection. The reason given is interestingly not 'in case he masturbates' but:

‫תלמוד בבלי מסכת נדה דף יג עמוד ב‬

‫מעטרה ולמעלה - אסור. אמר רב: המקשה עצמו לדעת יהא בנדוי, ולימא אסור! דקמגרי יצה"ראנפשיה. ורבי אמי אמר: נקרא עבריין, שכך אומנתו של יצר הרע, היום אומר לו עשה כך, ולמחראומר לו עשה כך, ולמחר אומר לו לך עבוד עבודת כוכבים - והולך ועובד. איכא דאמרי, אמר רביאמי: כל המביא עצמו לידי הרהור אין מכניסין אותו במחיצתו של הקב"ה, ‬

The Concern here is that a person is throwing himself into an act of 'ta'ava' and 'giving in' to the Yetser Hara which will then have a further hold on him - to the point of even inciting him to do avoda zara. This doesn't seem to have anything specifically to do with wasting semen but is a general issue of 'giving in to ta'ava' and it does not specifically mention a gender.

The prohibition of generating/giving in to ta'ava is also brought in the halacha in two places: Shulchan Aruch O.C. 240:4 states that a man may not look directly at his wife's private parts since this is 'megare yetser hara'. Even though this is directed at man, the concept could also apply to a woman. Shulchan Aruch O.C. 307:16 also prohibits (men and women) reading erotic literature for the same reason. It would make sense that FM in order to generate sexual stimulation would also fall under the same category - but see part 3 below. Lastly, giving in to ta'ava for the sake of ta'ava is not conducive to growth (see Avot, 4:21) where it says that jealousy, pleasure and honour take man out of this world.

‫שולחן ערוך אורח חיים הלכות ק"ש ותפלה של ערבית סימן רמ סעיף ד‬

* ‫אסור להסתכל באותו מקום, שכל המסתכל שם אין לו בושת פנים, ועובר על: והצנע לכת (מיכהו, ח), ומעביר הבושה מעל פניו, שכל המתבייש אינו חוטא, דכתיב: ובעבור תהיה יראתו על פניכם(שמות כ, כ) זו הבושה, לבלתי תחטאו (שמות כ, כ) ועוד דקא מגרה יצר הרע בנפשיה, * וכל שכןהנושק שם, שעובר על כל אלה ועוד, שעובר על: בל תשקצו את נפשותיכם‬.

‫שולחן ערוך אורח חיים הלכות שבת סימן שז סעיף טז‬

‫מליצות ומשלים של שיחת (נח) חולין ודברי חשק, כגון ספר עמנואל, וכן ספרי מלחמות, אסורלקרות בהם בשבת; ואף בחול אסור (נט) כב משום מושב לצים (תהילים א, א), * כג ועובר משוםאל תפנו אל האלילים (ויקרא יט, ד) לא תפנו (ס) אל מדעתכם; ובדברי חשק, איכא תו משום מגרהיצר הרע; ומי שחיברן ומי שהעתיקן, (סא) וא"צ לומר המדפיסן, * מחטיאים את הרבים. הגה:ונראה לדקדק הא דאסור (סב) לקרות בשיחת חולין וספורי מלחמות, היינו דוקא אם כתוביםבלשון לע"ז, (סג) <יג> אבל כד בלשון הקודש, (סד) שרי. (וכנ"ל מלשון שכתבו התוספות פרקכל כתבי, וכן נהגו להקל בזה‬). 

‫משנה מסכת אבות פרק ד משנה כא‬

[‫כג] רבי אליעזר הקפר אומר הקנאה והתאוה והכבוד מוציאין את האדם מן העולם‬:

Sexual Fantasy
This is an entirely seperate issur min hatorah of 'Lo Tatutu Acharei Levavchem Veacharei Eineichem'. This prohibition includes a) fantasizing about doing any aveira (not only sexual) - see Rambam Hilchot Avodah Zara 2:3; and b) looking at things which arouse one to sexual desire which is prohibited as erva - see Rambam Hilchot Teshuva 4:4. This would include reading erotica or looking at pornography - see Shulchan Aruch O.C. 307:16 (sourced above).

As such, fantasizing about sexual acts with a specific man (or woman) to whom one is prohibited in order to generate arousal would be prohibited (this also applies if you are fantasizing about kissing a boy or breaking shomer negia). This would include Jews and non-Jews. It may be that general fantasy about sex acts without a specific person in mind may not be the same, although the comments above about generating ta'ava would still apply.

Similarly, reading arotica or pornography to stimulate FM would be a problem of 'Lo Taturu'

A woman may not fantasize in any way about another man - a women may LOOK at another woman or man undressed (reiyah), but as soon as she starts having sexual intent (histaklut), she comes under lo taturu (men cannot even 'look' at women naked. Rashi on the passuk Lo Taturu in Bamidbar 16:39 seems relevant:-

הלב והעינים הם מרגלים לגוף ומסרסרים לו את העבירות, העין רואה והלב חומד והגוףעושה את העבירות

Part 2: Hashkafic Considerations

Excessive focusing on and stimulating Ta’ava is always going to be negative for personal growth and will also restrict general tikun hamidot. Tikun Hamidot itself is also a halachic obligation of ‘Vehalachta Bidrachaiv’, albeit a less defined and more subjective one. There are many references to the negativity of Ta’ava from Pirkei Avot 4:21 onwards


Part 3: Advice and Guidance

This is the hardest part of all. Everything above may be correct in principle but the question is how one can integrate that into their personal life, with all the issues that affect each person specifically. Sex drive can be extremely powerful and dominant and very difficult to subdue. This is of course a major challenge for many young men for whom life without masturbation is very difficult indeed.

It is critically important not to allow guilt feelings about this kind of thing to block religious growth and cause negative self-esteem. Whilst, for all the reasons above, I would not go so far as to say that FM is totally halachically permitted, it is certainly not something which should be central to one's cheshbon hanefesh. Many other areas of halachic and general Jewish life are much more central to growth as a Jew and these should be your focus.

When it comes to FM, one should certainly try to avoid the problems of Hirhurim/Lo Taturu and inappropriate reading material. One should also aim to try and masturbate less rather than more (with most people, the more they self-stimulate and engage in FM, the more they want to). If however one feels that pent up sexual energy is blocking her personal equilibrium and spiritual growth, and some masturbation is essential, this may be a necessary outlet at this stage.

Hope that was something to think about...

Script: A Lost Art?

I have a lovely little note sitting in the piles of randomness on my desk. I go through phases from hoarding to cathartic trashing, but this note never seems to make the cut for garbage. The content is sweet but not exceptionally memorable. Yet the reason it brings a smile to my face is for the perfectly shaped cursive that its writer sports so casually. It's from a simple, well-mannered 60-something year old administrator... and when I received her handwritten script note of recognition last year, I saw her as a ladylike beacon from a previous era.

As I struggled to write several Mother's Day cards using my best script handwriting, it bothered me that I lack this feminine grace that both of my grandmothers and my aunts possess.  Nowadays my script looks more like a leafy scratch, while they each have these gorgeous, loopy signatures/handwritings (degree of loopiness varies between them but the precision does not) that just flow effortlessly. From what I understand they were strictly disciplined in public school for their script handwriting back in the day- to the extent that my grandfather who is a lefty was taught to write with his right hand- and the habits that they were taught stay with them until today.

I happen to love my handwriting; it's like a skinny print with a slant and a curve that resembles script. I am not a fan of the large, girly, rounded print that a few of my colleagues still tote. Most people I know do not come out of college or graduate school with their cursive unscathed (unless they always take notes on laptops I guess), but the extent to which we have collectively lost the skill and our value for it really is remarkable. I can still remember the declaration at the beginning of the SAT that had to be written word-for-word in script, and a smart-aleck boy sitting in front of me made the whole class wait for him to etch his way through that one sentence, one painful letter at a time, because he couldn't write in script for his life.

Remember how cool calligraphy used to be? Who even thinks about it anymore when hundreds of fonts are at our fingertips? Likewise I suppose that handwriting is not as important to stress nowadays since official documents are all typed up and we are not relying on penmanship for legibility of contracts anymore.

Times have changed. I wish the signature on my driver's license was more swoopy, but I do not regret my rigorous education and notetaking that vanquished it. Hopefully once I start digitizing my signature for official reports that I sign off on, I will have perfected it a bit.

Just something to think about: conversations have been reduced to messages, messages have been reduced to texts, and texts have been reduced to symbols ("The Language of Trust: Selling Ideas in a World of Skeptics" by Michael Maslansky). Similarly our beautiful penmanship system is slowly draining away as we replace it with more expedient orthography.

What do you think of your handwriting, script or print?

Shomer Negiah = The Woman's Choice - Wondering Woman's Wednesday

Shomer Negiah is a woman’s choice. 100%. The guy should have no say in the matter.

Obviously he can say “No”, but it shouldn’t be up to him about when to approach that line and what is physically done.

Think about it. Everything that it entails has her doing something, and him not doing much at all. And because it is tilted so much towards her, HE SHOULD NOT HAVE A SAY IN IT! Every guy should be Shomer Negiah until she says it’s okay not to be.

Kissing, one of the simplest things covered, is probably the most simple of all, where they both give an equal amount up.

Hugging, not as simple. While you are both giving equal again, his hand placement during a hug can be a lot more awkward for her, with again, her giving up more.

We won’t go into more detail here, about other acts, but in all cases, SHE gives up a LOT MORE than he does. The man simply has to show up, and do whatever it is she’d like. Yes he may enjoy it all just as much as she does…but it should not be his decision.


Boy: May I hold your hand?
Girl: No thanks, it isn't heavy.