Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Who Knows Anymore (Last Hope)

What if it all ended tomorrow?
What would be remembered from it all?
What would be missed?

What would the hopes have been?
I dont even know myself at all
I thought I would be happy by now
But the more I try to push it
I realize gotta let go of control 
Would anything be different?
Would a second chance at everything turn out the same?
Would more people show how they care?
Would they just keep saying things are normal?
It's just a spark 
But it's enough to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing
When I wrote and posted a poem 20+ months ago, with a deeper message hidden in the words, via colors and vertical reading, only one person finally understood it (after some prodding).
It meant a lot to me that poem, because it was me trying to express some deep stuff inside me, and not being able to actually say the words out loud, because they are just as scary out loud as they are hidden.
Every night I try my best to dream
Tomorrow makes it better
And I wake up to the cold reality
And not a thing is changed
I took down the post a few months after it went up, because I felt it shouldn't be up in a public place, especially the more people that actually knew who I was started reading my blog.
Sure in recent months I've started another blog under my real name, but I would never have the guts to post something like the poem on there...
And the salt in my wounds isnt burning any more than it used to
Its not that I dont feel the pain
Its just Im not afraid of hurting anymore
Some days are ups...some days are downs....and some days you just don't feel anything. 
And there isn't always a place to let that out. You want to...you need to...but just can't...just don't know how to...just don't know if you want to...but it will all come out at some point, and it probably won't be pretty.
And the blood of these veins isnt pumping any less than it ever has
And thats the hope I have
The only thing I know is keeping me alive
I chose the lyrics to Paramore's Last Hope as the underlying in this post, because it embodies a lot of what I am feeling....and some of what I want to be feeling.
I know it's rare for me to post on here (and in some ways I apologize for that), but sometimes I need to get things out, so thanks for those still here listening.
(So if I let go of control now, I can be strong)
And when its dark out, no ones around
It keeps glowing
It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
(So if I keep my eyes closed, with a blind hope)
And when its dark out, no ones around
It keeps glowing