248

What does the number 248 mean to you?

The simple answer, whether you are Jewish or not, is that a human has 248 limbs.

It is also the amount of positive commandments in the Jewish world.

But the noticeable comparison for me, is the amount of words in Shema.

While I am not always on top of davening, one thing I try to make sure I say correctly, is Shema.

The 248 words there, should always be said carefully, just as carefully as you'd like each of your 248 limbs to be working.

This is also why you add three words at the beginning when praying alone, to compensate for the three word that a Chazzan would say at the end, with a minyan.

This is my first random act of Jewishness on this blog...what is happening to me...

Jewish Writers

Amongst the Bloggers, we are all pretty good at talking about things we know about.

But sometimes people try to be funny, and just come off sounding unintelligent.

http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/news/headlines-breaking-stories/219871/purim-post-the-story-of-king-obamachashverosh-year-2014.html

Please guys, don't try to write about the internet and the likes, without knowing anything about them.

Calling them "e-invites" instead of "evites" just made me stop reading....close the page...and write this many nonsensical rant.

Hanukkah and Thanksgiving: A once in eternity overlap

This year features an anomaly for American Jews – The first day of Hanukkah coincides with Thanksgiving, on 11/28/2013.

It turns out that it has never happened before...and it will never happen again.

Thanksgiving is set as the fourth Thursday in November, meaning the latest it can be is 11/28. 11/28 is also the earliest Hanukkah can be. The Jewish calendar repeats on a 19 year cycle, and Thanksgiving repeats on a 7 year cycle. You would therefore expect them to coincide roughly every 19x7 = 133 years. Looking back, this is approximately correct – the last time it would have happened is 1861. However, Thanksgiving was only formally established by President Lincoln in 1863. So, it has never happened before. Why won't it ever happen again?

The reason is because the Jewish calendar is very slowly getting out of sync with the solar calendar, at a rate of 4 days per 1000 years (not bad for a many centuries old calendar!) This means that while presently Hanukkah can be as early as 11/28, over the years the calendar will drift forward, such that the earliest Hanukkah can be is 11/29. The last time Hanukkah falls on 11/28 is 2146 (which happens to be a Monday). Therefore, 2013 is the only time Hanukkah will ever overlap with Thanksgiving.

Of course, if the Jewish calendar is never modified in any way, then it will slowly move forward through the Gregorian calendar, until it loops all the way back to where it is now. So, Hanukkah will again fall on Thursday, 11/28...in the year 79,811.

Written by Lena Lieb, of the Evelyn Rubenstein JCC - Houston, Texas

Mind Your Own Business

People will often ask me: "What are you doing with your life?"

To which I'll reply one of many things, such as: "Classes", "Working", "Partying" or some other nonsensical answer.

But when I say: "Yeah, I take classes from 12:30PM-7:30PM" or "Sure, I work the graveyard shift, from 6PM-6AM", their first question back always surprises me.

When do you daven Mincha? When do you daven Ma'ariv? When do you daven Shachris? When do you make time to learn? Or a host of other questions along the same lines, depending what time slot we are talking about.

How about this: Why don't you learn to mind your own business.

If I choose to daven, that's my issue.

If I choose to do it solo, that's still, my issue.

If I choose not to do it at all...well, I think everyone gets the point by now.

Why does everyone think that my religiousness, is their issue?

I am not talking about family members, who even though it isn't their issue, I could see their reasons for asking.

I am talking about people I haven't seen in a few years, or people I am just meeting for the first time.

While everyone gets curious, and I expect those questions at some point. It's really infuriating when its the first thing that is said to me in conversation.

So as I said before, it's time for people to learn to mind their own business!

27 and Counting

Last week Frum Geek wrote an article talking about Online Dating and issues he had with it, and it got me thinking about the flaws in Jewish dating, and marriage as well.

An article in the New York Daily News on Friday stated that the average age of the American woman getting married is 27 years old.

Now clearly, in the Jewish community it is lower than that, or at least everyone thinks it has to be (I can't state for sure that it is, since I obviously don't have numbers on that).

One of my best friends at work is getting married next year. At that time his girlfriend and him will both be 27. Talk about living the American dream, right?

So when he told me that, on Friday too, no coincidences there, it got me thinking as to why, in my mind, marriage was such a pressing issue.

And I have just the answer.

It's because I want kids. I want a lover. I want to be loved. And I want a close knit family.

But the Jewish aspect of being in my low 20s, and not even having dated much, means that in my mind, I am behind the bell curve.

And it is time for me to stop letting it f**k with my mind.

Starting now.

Now let's go make out somewhere quiet.

Gayness in the Orthodox World

ZP recently had a post that discussed lesbianism, and there was a flurry of comments on it, against Gayness, and how it is a sickness, and all that other close-minded spewing that is accustomed to Yeshiva-taught students.

I think that a lot of people have to realize that it is not a choice. And it is something that people just are.

You and I, as men, may like girls, like her, and get thoughts of happiness. 

And all you girls out there may like guys, and get warm fuzzy feelings in your heart while looking at guys like this.

But there are a lot of people out there, who just don't feel an attraction to the opposite gender. Their minds aren't programmed like yours and mine, and they feel an attraction to the same sex.

And this happens to both men and woman.

I personally know both guys and girls, who have felt physical attraction to the same gender, and some who have even acted upon it.

No. It is not a sickness.

Stop shutting it down, because it is something you don't understand.

These people try to commit suicide, because of the pressure that they are put under, by Rabbeim, and taunting "friends", to "Snap out of their gayness".

That's not possible, because it's not a "health condition" or "phase".

It's called LIFE.

On a side note, here is a great video of Orthodox Jews, finally being able to speak out, about their stories.

Death of the Working Man

For years the way of America was, girl looking for a match would be looking for a working man.

Someone who would be bringing in an income, of any sort, and had an education to himself.

Then the Lakewood Craze hit.

The boys stopped going to college, and started learning 24/7.

Living off Mommy and Daddy's money.

Them, and their wives, and their 17 kids. And 9 grand kids. All living off those parents/grandparents monies.

And now, this is affecting me.

"How?", you may ask.

Well, you are lucky enough for me to tell you.

I am not a "learner".

I went to college. Finished college with a Bachelors Degree, and then went into the workforce.

And because of this life style, I never was able to find a set time to learn every day/week/etc.

Now I am looking for a "shidduch". Be it through friends, or the multitude of money-wasting websites online.

And every girl is looking for the same thing.

A guy who is learning.

If you have an education, and a job, you aren't quite what they are looking for.

Well girls, all I can say is, "I hope Mommy and Daddy have a lot of money to support you through life."

All I can say from my point of view: More of these "sheltered girls" need to go out, get actual educations, and come back to us Working Men.

Oops...Wrong Date

True story that I heard over the last two days:

A guy had a date in Monsey. Drove to the address, and pulled up in front of the driveway.

A girl in the house next door (also waiting for a date), came running out of her house, and got in the car.

Sorry guys, it's just a funny story...I can't say that they got married because of that mistake!

Female Masturbation in Halacha - Guest Post

This post was emailed to me by a female reader, and asked for a place to post it. I complied. Here it is in its entirety.
-WM

Disclaimer: This is NOT a definitive halachic analysis or a 'psak' that applies to all cases - this is a very sensitive issue and each person must speak to their own Rav if they require halachic guidance. This is only research, advice and guidance given by some Rabbis that I asked. Note that this issue is NOT black on white - it is a very gray area!

Female masturbation (FM) – is it halachically permitted? There was a recent article in the YU Beacon that says that FM is completely permitted, but that women feel negatively towards masturbation because of the Issur of Hashchatat Zera Levatala. It goes on to say that they shouldn't feel this way because the obligation does not apply to women and that women feel guilty about this for no reason.

Frankly I have difficulty believing that there’s absolutely NO problem whatsoever with female masturbation (FM from now on) so I decided to do a bit of research and ask a few Rabbis, and these are the issues I came across.

I'd like to split the topic up into three seperate issues:
1. The halachic issues surrounding the technical act FM and sexual fantasy
2. Hashkafic and ethical issues relating to this kind of behaviour
3. Advice and guidance


Part 1: Halachic Analysis of FM

Specific Prohibition
The severe halachic prohibition concerning masturbation is focused on the wasting of semen involved in male masturbation. The main discussion of this is in the Gemara on Niddah 13a. It's pretty clear from there that the wasting of semen is the principal problem and other issurim (or a man touching parts of the penis, even when just urinating) are introduced as a way to avoid behaviour which may lead to full male masturbation. It seems from this that the actual act of FM is not subject to a specific prohibition.

‫תלמוד בבלי מסכת נדה דף יג עמוד א‬

דא"ר יוחנן: כל המוציא שכבת זרע לבטלה חייב מיתה

The act of male masturbation to the point of ejaculation is clearly prohibited and brought in halacha - see Rambam Issurei Biah 21:18 and Shulchan Aruch Even Haezer Siman 23. Again - no mention of women.

‫רמב"ם הלכות איסורי ביאה פרק כא הלכה יח‬

‫אסור להוציא שכבת זרע לבטלה, לפיכך לא יהיה אדם דש מבפנים וזורה מבחוץ, ולא ישא קטנהשאינה ראויה לילד, אבל אלו שמנאפין ביד ומוציאין שכבת זרע לא די להם שאיסור גדול הוא אלאשהעושה זה בנדוי הוא יושב ועליהם נאמר ידיכם דמים מלאו וכאילו הרג הנפש‬

‫שולחן ערוך אבן העזר הלכות אישות סימן כג‬

‫איסור הוצאת זרע לבטלה ודברים המביאים לכך, ובו ז' סעיפים‬

‫סעיף א‬

‫א (א) א] אסור להוציא שכבת זרע לבטלה ועון זה חמור מכל עבירות שבתורה. ב] לפיכך לא יהיהאדם דש מבפנים וזורה מבחוץ, ב (ב) ג] ולא ישא קטנה שאינה ראויה לילד‬

Ta'ava
There is a reference in the sugya there to the severity of a man causing himself purposefuly to have an erection. The reason given is interestingly not 'in case he masturbates' but:

‫תלמוד בבלי מסכת נדה דף יג עמוד ב‬

‫מעטרה ולמעלה - אסור. אמר רב: המקשה עצמו לדעת יהא בנדוי, ולימא אסור! דקמגרי יצה"ראנפשיה. ורבי אמי אמר: נקרא עבריין, שכך אומנתו של יצר הרע, היום אומר לו עשה כך, ולמחראומר לו עשה כך, ולמחר אומר לו לך עבוד עבודת כוכבים - והולך ועובד. איכא דאמרי, אמר רביאמי: כל המביא עצמו לידי הרהור אין מכניסין אותו במחיצתו של הקב"ה, ‬

The Concern here is that a person is throwing himself into an act of 'ta'ava' and 'giving in' to the Yetser Hara which will then have a further hold on him - to the point of even inciting him to do avoda zara. This doesn't seem to have anything specifically to do with wasting semen but is a general issue of 'giving in to ta'ava' and it does not specifically mention a gender.

The prohibition of generating/giving in to ta'ava is also brought in the halacha in two places: Shulchan Aruch O.C. 240:4 states that a man may not look directly at his wife's private parts since this is 'megare yetser hara'. Even though this is directed at man, the concept could also apply to a woman. Shulchan Aruch O.C. 307:16 also prohibits (men and women) reading erotic literature for the same reason. It would make sense that FM in order to generate sexual stimulation would also fall under the same category - but see part 3 below. Lastly, giving in to ta'ava for the sake of ta'ava is not conducive to growth (see Avot, 4:21) where it says that jealousy, pleasure and honour take man out of this world.

‫שולחן ערוך אורח חיים הלכות ק"ש ותפלה של ערבית סימן רמ סעיף ד‬

* ‫אסור להסתכל באותו מקום, שכל המסתכל שם אין לו בושת פנים, ועובר על: והצנע לכת (מיכהו, ח), ומעביר הבושה מעל פניו, שכל המתבייש אינו חוטא, דכתיב: ובעבור תהיה יראתו על פניכם(שמות כ, כ) זו הבושה, לבלתי תחטאו (שמות כ, כ) ועוד דקא מגרה יצר הרע בנפשיה, * וכל שכןהנושק שם, שעובר על כל אלה ועוד, שעובר על: בל תשקצו את נפשותיכם‬.

‫שולחן ערוך אורח חיים הלכות שבת סימן שז סעיף טז‬

‫מליצות ומשלים של שיחת (נח) חולין ודברי חשק, כגון ספר עמנואל, וכן ספרי מלחמות, אסורלקרות בהם בשבת; ואף בחול אסור (נט) כב משום מושב לצים (תהילים א, א), * כג ועובר משוםאל תפנו אל האלילים (ויקרא יט, ד) לא תפנו (ס) אל מדעתכם; ובדברי חשק, איכא תו משום מגרהיצר הרע; ומי שחיברן ומי שהעתיקן, (סא) וא"צ לומר המדפיסן, * מחטיאים את הרבים. הגה:ונראה לדקדק הא דאסור (סב) לקרות בשיחת חולין וספורי מלחמות, היינו דוקא אם כתוביםבלשון לע"ז, (סג) <יג> אבל כד בלשון הקודש, (סד) שרי. (וכנ"ל מלשון שכתבו התוספות פרקכל כתבי, וכן נהגו להקל בזה‬). 

‫משנה מסכת אבות פרק ד משנה כא‬

[‫כג] רבי אליעזר הקפר אומר הקנאה והתאוה והכבוד מוציאין את האדם מן העולם‬:

Sexual Fantasy
This is an entirely seperate issur min hatorah of 'Lo Tatutu Acharei Levavchem Veacharei Eineichem'. This prohibition includes a) fantasizing about doing any aveira (not only sexual) - see Rambam Hilchot Avodah Zara 2:3; and b) looking at things which arouse one to sexual desire which is prohibited as erva - see Rambam Hilchot Teshuva 4:4. This would include reading erotica or looking at pornography - see Shulchan Aruch O.C. 307:16 (sourced above).

As such, fantasizing about sexual acts with a specific man (or woman) to whom one is prohibited in order to generate arousal would be prohibited (this also applies if you are fantasizing about kissing a boy or breaking shomer negia). This would include Jews and non-Jews. It may be that general fantasy about sex acts without a specific person in mind may not be the same, although the comments above about generating ta'ava would still apply.

Similarly, reading arotica or pornography to stimulate FM would be a problem of 'Lo Taturu'

A woman may not fantasize in any way about another man - a women may LOOK at another woman or man undressed (reiyah), but as soon as she starts having sexual intent (histaklut), she comes under lo taturu (men cannot even 'look' at women naked. Rashi on the passuk Lo Taturu in Bamidbar 16:39 seems relevant:-

הלב והעינים הם מרגלים לגוף ומסרסרים לו את העבירות, העין רואה והלב חומד והגוףעושה את העבירות

Part 2: Hashkafic Considerations

Excessive focusing on and stimulating Ta’ava is always going to be negative for personal growth and will also restrict general tikun hamidot. Tikun Hamidot itself is also a halachic obligation of ‘Vehalachta Bidrachaiv’, albeit a less defined and more subjective one. There are many references to the negativity of Ta’ava from Pirkei Avot 4:21 onwards


Part 3: Advice and Guidance

This is the hardest part of all. Everything above may be correct in principle but the question is how one can integrate that into their personal life, with all the issues that affect each person specifically. Sex drive can be extremely powerful and dominant and very difficult to subdue. This is of course a major challenge for many young men for whom life without masturbation is very difficult indeed.

It is critically important not to allow guilt feelings about this kind of thing to block religious growth and cause negative self-esteem. Whilst, for all the reasons above, I would not go so far as to say that FM is totally halachically permitted, it is certainly not something which should be central to one's cheshbon hanefesh. Many other areas of halachic and general Jewish life are much more central to growth as a Jew and these should be your focus.

When it comes to FM, one should certainly try to avoid the problems of Hirhurim/Lo Taturu and inappropriate reading material. One should also aim to try and masturbate less rather than more (with most people, the more they self-stimulate and engage in FM, the more they want to). If however one feels that pent up sexual energy is blocking her personal equilibrium and spiritual growth, and some masturbation is essential, this may be a necessary outlet at this stage.

Hope that was something to think about...

Enough is Enough - Stop Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse happens. It's not a good thing, and those that do it, should be punished to the full extent of the law.


But then you have the Ultra-Orthodox community, where not only is it not punished, but if the one who was abused says anything to authorities, THEY ARE THROWN OUT OF THE COMMUNITY?!


Now, who are we kidding, we've known about it for years, but when it makes the front page of the New York Times as it did yesterday (article here, which this post is based on), even the Ultra-Orthodox need to realize the problems.


To them, there is nothing worse than making a Chillul Hashem (Desecration of the Name of God), one of the reasons they keep the sexual abuse cases quiet. But now, not only are they making a Chillul Hashem, but their dirty laundry is getting aired to the public.


And then the Agudath Israel of America had to open their mouths...Rabbi Chaim Dovid Zweibel, Executive VP, said: "You can destroy a person's life with a false report". Rabbi Zweibel also stated that observant Jews should not report allegations to the police unless permitted to do so by a rabbi.


For starters Rabbi Zweibel, what about the person whose life is being destroyed because they are getting molested week after week, but aren't allowed to say anything?


And second, I bet, if any of these things happened to you, or a family member (and God forbid that they should), you would NOT be asking a Rabbi what to do. You'd be on the phone to 9-1-1 without thinking twice about it.


I praise Justice Guston L. Reichbach, who after being presented with a case of a man abusing 14 year olds, was bombarded with letters saying that the abuser was a nice man, and not one letter about concern for the abused, stated: "“While the crimes the defendant stands convicted of are bad enough, what is even more troubling to the court is a communal attitude that seems to impose greater opprobrium on the victims than the perpetrator.”


Or what about when a 14 year old boy is given $20 to help move boxes, and then is taken to a motel, de-pants-ed, and masturbated. When the abuser was arrested, Rabbi Israel Hager, of Monsey NY, called the child's mother, and asked that she not press charges in court. And then they expelled the child from school, because she wouldn't drop the charges, and told her that if she protests the expulsion, they'd file false charges against her for child abuse.


Well Rabbi Hager, as I said before, I wouldn't wish this type of stuff on anyone, but if you were in the same situation, I can guarantee that you'd say something. And if you wouldn't say anything, and just let your child be masturbated by a stranger, well then, you don't deserve to have children, let alone the title of "Rabbi".


God bless Rabbi Nuchem Rosenberg, a strong advocate in Williamsburg, Brooklyn who was shunned by his community, yet still stands for what is right. He has lectures, available by phone, telling victims to call 9-1-1 with these sorts of issues, and accuse the Rabbis of silencing these cases. Because of him standing up for what is right; he was thrown out of his shul (synagogue), and had a full group of Rabbis (32 in total) and a Beis Din (Jewish Court of Law) sign an order against him, ostracizing him.


On the same side, we have Rabbi Tzvi Gluck, a worker at Our Place, in Brooklyn NY, who helps victims of such incidents get proper court attention. He said, and I agree with him fully: "If a guy in our community gets diagnosed with cancer, the whole community will come running to help them. But if someone comes out and says they were a victim of abuse, as a whole, the community looks at them and says, ‘Go jump in a lake.’ ”


It's time we all took a stand. As the United States Homeland Security uses as their slogan: "If you see something, say something". Sexual abuse in the Jewish community must end.


These people should no longer be allowed to stand, hiding, behind their Rabbis. They should all be in jail, getting anally raped by a large man named Bubba, and when they complain, will be told "Bubba wouldn't do such a thing. He's a nice guy."

Shomer Negiah = The Woman's Choice - Wondering Woman's Wednesday

Shomer Negiah is a woman’s choice. 100%. The guy should have no say in the matter.

Obviously he can say “No”, but it shouldn’t be up to him about when to approach that line and what is physically done.

Think about it. Everything that it entails has her doing something, and him not doing much at all. And because it is tilted so much towards her, HE SHOULD NOT HAVE A SAY IN IT! Every guy should be Shomer Negiah until she says it’s okay not to be.

Kissing, one of the simplest things covered, is probably the most simple of all, where they both give an equal amount up.

Hugging, not as simple. While you are both giving equal again, his hand placement during a hug can be a lot more awkward for her, with again, her giving up more.

We won’t go into more detail here, about other acts, but in all cases, SHE gives up a LOT MORE than he does. The man simply has to show up, and do whatever it is she’d like. Yes he may enjoy it all just as much as she does…but it should not be his decision.


Boy: May I hold your hand?
Girl: No thanks, it isn't heavy.

Religion or Happiness?

There are some lines that we hear over and over throughout our lives.

     - “Don’t worry, be happy.”

     -  “Live life to the fullest.”

We are also told our whole lives, especially in the Orthodox Jewish community, do everything according to the letter of the law, and keep religion at the forefront.

Well, what happens when these two things don’t meet?

Do you give up happiness? Or do you slowly let religion slip away?

My personal opinion = Live life to the fullest, don’t worry about anything else, be happy, and if you have to bend the laws of religion a little, then so be it.

I know, I know, I’m going to have a lot of you up in arms over that statement, saying that religion has to mean the most, and you need to sacrifice for it…and I agree.

Most of us sacrifice a lot for religion, such as having to go out of our way to get kosher food, which also costs more.  Not working on Shabbos (the Sabbath). At the same time, not hanging out/talking with secular friends on that day (since you can’t text/email/call them).

But at the same time, some things that you are/aren’t allowed to do, make you miserable, and prevent you from enjoying life.

So I wonder: Does religion want you to follow it and be miserable? Or do they want you to follow it, as long as you are somewhat happy?

No one is perfect; we all make mistakes, religiously. And most of the time, some of us regret those mistakes.

Overall, I’m sure most of my readers are religious, and keep most, if not all, of the laws that they possibly could.

But I’m curious how many of them bend the laws once in a while, and which laws those are; and if your anonymity isn’t enough for you to say it, then post anonymously, and not under a pseudonym.

Even the slightest of things, so that we can begin to see what the issues are amongst us, especially since after my last post, people doubted what actions people do/don’t do.

Hopefully I’ll hear enough back, to talk more on these subjects.

And remember, I'm a nobody, and nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.

The Double Jewish Identity

Living as an Orthodox Jew (that is the first piece of info my followers learn about me) means that you have a double identity, whether you admit it or not. And this applies to both men and women.

You have that one that you show as you are walking down the street, or meeting new people, in which you are the perfect Jew, and keep this persona, so that matchmakers, and/or other Jews around you, think you are the person you are supposed to be.

The other side is the real you. The persona that maybe your closest friends and MAYBE your family knows. Ranging in things that aren’t necessarily following the Orthodox Jewish standard.

It can be many things, such as:

-          Claiming to Daven (pray) three times a day, while really, you do it maybe once, if you decide you feel like it.

-          Cursing/Dirty jokes

-          Eating at Non-Kosher-Certified Dairy Restaurants

-          Masturbation

-          Texting/Emails on Shabbos (Sabbath)

-          Pay full price for anything

Clearly the last one was a joke, but the other ones listed are all things that either I do, or I know people who have admitted to me that they do.

Are we proud of doing some/any of those things?


No.

But we do them; because they are habits that we have gotten into already, and either can’t, or would rather not, stop doing.


This is what stands in the way of great relationships. The hidden things you do in your life, that prevent you from finding the perfect other. While others may be doing the same things you are, they can’t admit it until you are further into a relationship…which you never get to, since you both think you are hiding stuff that just isn’t right for the other one.

And always remember, the early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.